Relapse; The seasons unwind
An illogical disease of the mind
Walking through the passage of time
Falling back to faded reminds

She feels like the moon, waxing and waning, a ritual of continuity and routine. The tugging of her heartstrings, playing a soft turn in accordance with the melancholic waves. Arms outstretched, she silently told herself to let go of her inhibitions. The waters had reached her knees, her damp cotton frock barely serving its purpose in keeping warm. There’s always something holding her back. A block in her mind, unwilling to budge, reluctant to grant her the freedom to fall limp. A bad cycle infused with irony and black humour. Fast forward, then rewind. Start moving, then stand still. Falling back in step to that familiar rhythm of habit with her dreams hanging in the balance. Where else can she go?

Your mind is swollen
From months of thought without release
They’ve taken their toll on you
And this very moment
Of timid and fragile honesty
Is precious and rare and fleeting

又是这种 moment 了, 并不是因为有课业上的压力还是什么.. 只是很简单, 很单纯的想哭一场.. 太久的压抑了, 本以为没事, 已抒发了, 已结束了, 原来只是自我逃避, 自我催眠.. 好累好累..

Hollowed halls and empty rooms
Squared tables and chairs sitting quietly
Attentive to the faded words on the chalkboard

Through the looking-glass
She peered into each one
With a strange feeling stirring up

A music box playing a lullaby from distant lands
A broken window embracing azure skies
A cookie jar filled with stale air and a forgotten die

Fumbling with old brass handles
Hands with no lock and key
Kept outside the cages of steel

Barely anything kept inside
‘Cept for faint and quaint delights
The lost that withstood the ravages of time
A piece of home so clearly defined

You’re getting closer
To pushing me off of life’s little edge
‘Cause I’m a loser
And sooner or later you know I’ll be dead
You’re getting closer
You’re holding the rope and I’m taking the fall
‘Cause I’m a loser, I’m a loser, yeah

I’ve always known I’ve been more than full of myself. I won’t deny it, simply cause I can’t. Talking to a friend today, I think I’ve finally found the way to clear skies. In the past, we all were in close proximity, able to reach each other so easily. Right now, being far away from home, you really need to depend on yourself, realising how much you need to grow up to be alright. And it had all seemed so easy, when it’s not.

It’s times like these where I’m especially grateful to my darlings for bearing with me and correcting me when I’m wrong. 和你们一起同甘共苦, 奋军作战的一切.. I guess I’ve really moved on to a new stage in my life and it’s really time for me to grow up. I’ve always been 放纵ing myself, giving excuses to run and hide when things go wrong. Maybe it’s really time to change, to be someone prepared and ready to stand up to the challenges ahead. I’m here on my own and my battles here are mine to fight alone.

I know it’s not easy to change. It’s just like how a leopard can’t change its spots and how I don’t have the strength to move a mountain. Such an insurmountable task really seems to be one that will threaten to suffocate me with questions pertaining to my identity. But I can’t stand here in the same place, not when the world is moving so quickly around me. I’ve got to run and fly, even without my wings. I’m not prepared, I know. But it’s the time to truly step out. I don’t want to continue being a loser.

Little by little I’ve come to this point
On my own I’ve been searching my way
I lost you so early, the days went so fast
You don’t know how I prayed every day

A song to remember, a song to forget
You’ll never know how I tried
To make you proud and to honor your name
But you never told me goodbye

Now that you are gone
Casting shadows from the past
You and all the memories will last

Don’t you cry or suffer over me
I will be waiting for you
Don’t you cry
Angels never fade away
I’ll be watching over you
See you through

-Don’t You Cry (Kamelot)

It’s been so long since I’ve found the luxury of sitting down quietly and just making use of this personal space. It’s strange how the simplest things can make you feel content, feel happy. Like in this case, a nice cup of hot tea in winter, warm and toasty in your own room. Everything is accelerating, and it really doesn’t feel like two weeks have already gone by. While being forced to learn new skills by living in a completely different environment, however, there’s a dull ache when I now look back at these past two weeks because I never found the time to stop and settle down a little to do one of my favourite things in the world. I’ve missed this familiar page, how letters form into words and words into (hopefully coherent and grammatically correct) sentences. Perhaps it’s been too long.. It’s always hard to choose where to start.

I first saw the city while I was still on the road not far off. It had just rained and I saw a rainbow over the city. Perhaps it was only then when I started having expectations of my new home and school. But really, I do need to ask myself. How often do I experience a good beginning? It’s winter. I got lost. I got discriminated against by another minority group. (I was only asking for directions.) And because I got lost, I had to wait a day for registration. :/ I don’t know if it was the really awful experience that day or if it simply was a case of sudden realization that I wouldn’t be home until more than half a year later. I missed home. Still do, actually. But people are nice here. Well, most of them anyway. School hasn’t been amazing, but in the short span of one week, it taught me something else. Humility.

It’s kinda like a back-to-basics situation. I’m back to learning skills that I learnt more than ten years ago. While I probably wouldn’t mind this for most academic subjects.. Let’s just say I miss secondary school days where I got to write essays, be it narrative or descriptive. On the bright side, I’m learning new subjects that I’ve never studied before. While I do wish that school could be a little more interactive sometimes, I guess it just gives me more space to develop myself instead. Honestly, I often wonder what would have happened if I chose to take my A levels instead. But then again, there’s no use crying over spilt milk. Besides, falling down multiple times in life has been a trying period, which taught me to grow up a little. If there’s nothing I can change now, I’ll just have to make the best of it.

Okay, I really hate how I’ve written this post. I guess everyone’s changing, including me. Perhaps I’ve changed the most or I’ve changed the least. But being here, it feels like it’s the little things that count. I really miss my friends and family back home and whichever part of the world they’re in right now. If you’re reading this darlings, I just want to let you know how much I love you. I may not be the girl who’s almost always free to go out anymore, but those places in my heart that you’ve been in are yours always. I know friendships are hard to maintain when we barely get to meet and talk in person, but I do hope that our friendships will stay strong. I miss you darlings. Hope you guys haven’t forgotten me yet. Love you. <3

She had closed her eyes, drawn into a spinning web of dreams infused with bits and pieces of reality. Her senses eluded her. When she opened her eyes, it looked like a whole new world. She didn’t believe in magic. There’s no such thing as time transportation. Indeed, a few weeks had already passed, like a bullet train speeding through to reach the next station. And now, she found herself with so little time and so much to do.

It’s a new year already. Has been for a rather long time now. She barely noticed its presence as it crept in, kicking the previous year out, racing with time itself. She hadn’t made her resolutions yet. Perhaps she should just forget about it. She’s not sure if she believes in making resolutions anymore. With how things have been going lately, she should just cross the bridge only when she reaches it. Question is whether she’ll even reach the bridge if she doesn’t know where it is.

Indeed, a new year brings much change. She’d never thought life would seem to warp back to normal again, at least on the surface. Starting school again would be nice. Imagine. To feel like a proper student again, to go to a normal institution. If there’s one thing she’s not going to regret, it’s leaving a sad excuse constructed with paper walls for good. At least she’s clear that she’s not going back there again.

She can’t deny that tinge of worry tugging at her heartstrings. She’s afraid. The changes are too big, and she would have to learn to adapt on her own. What if she makes one wrong move and the fire engulfs her, ravaging her world once again? Perhaps it would be right to say that when she’s alone, she just can’t believe in herself. Self-doubt, the demon living in the very depths of her heart.

She knows she can’t mature if she doesn’t take that first step to try, to fly. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. She’s going to make it. One day, she’s going to see that bright light revealing cards that contain stories stacked on stories. Somehow, if she could just believe, just reach out, just touch it. The train’s gotten her this far now. She can’t back down.

It seems to have been the coldest winter yet. Hands drawn to the fire, kept to themselves. It hasn’t been an easy year, has it? She had found herself questioning many things in her life. Why this? Why that? She had no answers. Life doesn’t come easy, does it? But perhaps life would be boring if it really did come with an instruction manual. Perhaps it would be pointless to try to make sense of life. Afterall, she’d just find herself in a quandary, a labyrinth of sorts. Who holds the key? She’s not sure anymore.

She only has herself to blame. Not just this time, but each and every time she fell down. She chose it. From the questions of self-worth and identity, she was the one who orchestrated the search, digging deeper, only to find hollowness and disappointment. Perhaps she hasn’t gone far enough. But a part of her wishes she could have saved all the hurts and pains and just lived a shallow life. Perhaps she would be happier then. Too late now. It only dawned on her recently that she had only actively tried to ‘find herself’ these few years. She’s always been a shadow. Voluntarily. She chose to hide in the light of those whom she admired, people whom she could look up to. But it was only natural that shadows get abandoned. No one really likes the dark. She wasn’t sure if she liked it herself.

It’s far too late for regrets since nothing can be changed anymore. At least, not those involving the past, and perhaps those involving the present. But she’s doing all she can now to stay afloat. Gripping on to that chance of salvation. Her hands are bleeding, dripping hot red flecks on the cold white frost. Winter was never her season. If only it would end soon. She had to wait. And it was, most likely, a really long one. Patience was never her virtue. She’s going to have to try hard on this one.

It’s not like she’s oblivious to her surroundings. She can see clearly, even when she’s underwater. It’s just that she can’t help herself acting in such a way, her body’s natural defence. And perhaps the fact that she’s helpless just makes her more disgusted at herself.

She hates who she’s become. She’s a real coward, only knowing how to hurt herself, pushing others away in the process, fearing that she’ll hurt them too. She’s only hurting herself, and perhaps those who love her as well. She’s a nervous wreck, each tiny ripple amplifying into a tidal wave, breaking her apart. She’s so easily shaken now, it’s as if she could fall apart any time. She’s fallen to the depths, unable to recall how to believe, how to have hope and faith. She doesn’t know what to think. She hates who she’s become.

She misses the real her. Perhaps not all is lost, perhaps the real her is locked up somewhere inside. And that’s where she starts faltering again. Who is the real her? What is she like? It feels like a riddle that she can’t seem to find an answer to. She had once believed in herself, that she could touch the sky if she wanted to. She had once been optimistic, bouncing back again from her sad times in a matter of hours. She had once trusted people so easily, that as long as she treated them sincerely, they would see her for who she really is. She misses the girl who had not been exposed to so many complications. She misses the girl who had been locked away safely sometime when the earth started trembling, threatening to crack open and swallow her whole. She misses the girl she had once been. She misses the real her.

Perhaps some time away would truly be good for her. It’s 7 in the morning, and she hasn’t fallen asleep yet. Not yet, she can’t. Too many things plaguing her sorry little mind. Perhaps she shan’t sleep today. At least, not until she gets on the plane later. But she can’t help but see herself on the plane, still unable to sleep. She’d probably be staring out the window looking at the clouds. And she would probably be thinking of how she wished that her troubles would be swept away with the wind, high up in the sky. She’ll keep silent, but she’ll be wishing for that little girl to return again, to teach her to be strong. Perhaps one day, she’ll be able to smile genuinely again.

“While I breathe, I hope.”

A guessing game. Perhaps she should really stop relying on her own intuition, because it never really works out in the end. She was fairly competent in certain things, but at this game of chess, it felt as if she was going to lose entirely. She’s advanced rapidly, but each time her turn ends, she can’t help but feel as if she’s going nowhere. Every other chess piece is too tall, blocking her view of her goal. She had always believed that her allies would be there for her, and she likes to believe that she still believes in that. But the battle of wits had been going on for far too long, and tension ran like a taut wire in the air as choices become more difficult to make. Most of the time, this battleground felt like a plain sheet of paper covering the landmines that lay sleeping beneath of out sight. It was as if one tiny wrong move could heat things up a whole lot. Unable to advance or retreat smoothly, she was afraid. She was going to have to make decisions soon. And perhaps that was what she was afraid of. She was afraid of life in itself.